not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
