we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
