I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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