If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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