I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
