If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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