Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
they're like a gay fantastic four
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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