I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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