These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
