Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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