First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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