the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
