I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
