If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
