I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
