does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just found a bag of teeth...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
