Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
