and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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