I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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