my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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