Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
