that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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