After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
