I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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