Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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