Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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