I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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