i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
