is your mom at the bar?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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