Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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