where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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