My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
