just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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