I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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