Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
