You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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