watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
