I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
