and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
