You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
