just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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