also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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