1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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