I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
BRING THE BAGELS
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
