There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
