my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
