I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
