Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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