I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
