she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
