Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
